Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
