return my video game
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
