Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
