I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize