I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
