Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Randomize
