I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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