Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
