I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
