my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
