Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
They have beer where we have blood.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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