Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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