my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
