You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
