Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
