You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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