i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
