i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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