Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
