walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
