I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
