best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
