sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
