I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
