I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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