Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
