so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
