Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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