I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
