I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
