i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
