I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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