she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize