There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize