they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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