I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize