i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
