This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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