if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
