I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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