Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
