All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
they're like a gay fantastic four
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
