Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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