did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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