I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
