chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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