Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
