My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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