I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize