He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
