she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize