yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
