On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
