I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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