I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
3pm strippers are depressing
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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