So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
