If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
