They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
