I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize