WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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